A Road Too Soon

I fully believe that approaching life as the hero of your own story is a fundamental purpose of the human experience. While teleology, the study of purpose, has its limits, it serves well for this capacity as a jumping off point even if an individual decides they resonate deeper with a simpler and more passive life. That is of course the nature of Chaos, there is no universality for humanity. That being said, there is of course a small hiccup when it comes to the mentality that one can utilize Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey as the structure for their life. That is, it is not going to truly be in order. Not in the metaphysical sense, but in the sequential sense. While stories often play on one, two, or even three major aspects of the journey structure and move them around or emphasize them in different ways, they tend to try to hold to the general idea that one leaves their old world, experiences trials in the new world, and returns with a newfound perspective and ability. Unfortunately, real life is rarely that simple.

As we begin our journeys, we do need that push out of the comfort zone, so we don’t find ourselves falling back into bad habits and limiting our growth. One must leave the nest, at times jumping before we can fly, to face the world under our own abilities and perspectives. This is the journey of adolescence into adulthood that American children aim for between the ages of 18-24. While some may fail or need further guidance or provision to be capable of navigating independent life in a given community, many succeed through the struggles and discover the wonder, and responsibility, of a world at their fingertips. So comes the bane of many when it comes to traditions, particularly those around major holidays which tend to be oriented around the return to family. Often families through optimism, tradition, obligation, or otherwise meet at these times and the individuals find themselves thrust back into behaviors and power dynamics reflecting that of their youth. Adults who may have become parents themselves rediscover their petty sibling rivalries, disobedience to parental authorities, emotional reactivity, and judgmental vows for status, understanding, and acknowledgement.

This is the nature of trauma. Even when we work through these by processing these experiences and maintaining accountability for our thoughts and actions while restructuring our environment toward one that is healing and preventing of these scars, we may not have truly worked through the deeper and more subtle truths from which the pain surfaces. Boundaries are difficult to set without a foundation laid in our youth on the subject teaching us how to hold ourselves up in the murky depths of complex relationships. So, it is not surprising we may find ourselves returning to these old environments incapable or unprepared to maintain boundaries under obligations to the idea that is a traditional family dynamic. When we consider boundaries in their most simple form of a line that once crossed, we choose to disengage or walk away, how do we create such a hard line when it comes to those that have been so integral in our lives? For many if not most people, the idea of walking away from family is not just far from trivial, but taboo. Families are after all, the relationships meant to be held throughout our lives as anchors to safety, recognition, and love. If they were just as capable of being dissolved as any other relationship, than what assurances do they truly provide?

That is the core expression of enmeshed relationships. In these we tend to develop codependency as we reduce our expressions and appearance of needs to appease the other(s). While these types of relationships can form with anyone, there is none more complicated and vulnerable to this dynamic than that between a parent and child. Parents are our original archetype of authority, guide, mentor, provider, and source of love and security. The role of the parent is terribly difficult to perform, and mistakes are going to be made. But when they happen it is their responsibility to take accountability, apologize, and adjust their behaviors to be better for those they chose to bring into this world and otherwise those they chose to raise. When they fail to do this, we don’t necessarily stop seeing them as our authority, mentor, or source of love. Even if we do, we still face the revelation that the guide who was to lead us from the dangers of the wild, is lost themselves. How are we supposed to feel when we realize as we get older, that our mentor is not who we thought they were or should be? What do we do when we feel we surpass our parents?

These are just some of the possible perspectives when we struggle to reconcile differences and disputes with our family. In the Hero’s Journey, we are meant to achieve “Apotheosis", or in more mortal terms, we are meant to reach new peaks of growth at the end of each adventure. Joseph Campbell had also described the role of “Atonement with the Father.” In this we confront our authority and acknowledge their human flaws or even their destructive nature. While we can hope for classic roles where the mentor succeeds because we outgrow them and steps down to let us become our own expression of the hero, the truth is parents rarely wish to be less a part of their child’s life over time. So instead of stepping down, they may harbor resentments for you to become your own person or worse, guide you to become increasingly dependent on them so that they always have that role in your life. They may even act as if you should become your own person but judge you for becoming anything other than the specific perfection they imagined for you, or project onto you from their own shortcomings. They may even do this unconsciously if they do not understand the role of a healthy parent. Perhaps they never had one themselves. Not understanding that there are other roles, even ones of support, that are not the vertical authority they clung to as parents of a small child, may lead them to a cycle of destruction in which they impose themselves in perpetuity to maintain relevance not as the heroine of their story but the master of yours.

So how do we approach the road to return when we have yet to achieve apotheosis or are prepared for atonement with the father? The truth is that we need to remember that this may not be a road to return at all. For if it was, we could settle at least momentarily in the bliss of nostalgia and reverence for what was as we carry back the gifts of our triumphs. Perhaps for some of us it is another trial on the journey, for others it could be the very dragon at depths of the cave we seek to overcome, for others still it may be the catalyst that calls them into their own adventure having not returned for they never truly left. We can remind ourselves that we are all on different parts of different journeys and we are likely not going to be on the same page when we gather for these annual traditions. We can breathe, reflect on our continued trials and our growth, and acknowledge the humanity in our mentors, allies, enemies, and children. If it is necessary, we can step away for as long as required to achieve the growth we need to face such atonement. While the hero’s journey is a wonderful path to envision our lives teleologically, to see ourselves as beings with purpose and adventure, we should always keep in mind we may not be where we think we are as we walk in multitudes on many paths throughout our lives.

So, this winter and those that follow, regardless of holidays past or far, be kind to yourself, patient with others, hold firm your values, and find haven in the hearths you dwell. May your fiery spirit bring light in the darkness and truth to shadows as you share your gifts with the world. For the magic of the holidays is not solely within tradition, but within the wonder of change and novel experiences and the revelry that comes with shared bounty. And victory from which such a bounty is plundered, can only come through the recognition of strife and struggle.

-A Happy and Healing Hearth Haven to you all from Batyah the Sage